


Bittersweet

by Higgles123



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heart Break, True Love, extra marital affair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:33:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25696585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Higgles123/pseuds/Higgles123
Summary: Alfie returns home from war with hopes of marrying the woman he loves. But life doesn't always work out how we want it to.
Relationships: Alfie Solomons & Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 13





	Bittersweet

Alfie knew the second she walked through the front door because the air changed inexplicably. Whenever she was near it was as though he could breathe easier and he just felt lighter. Elizabeth Margolyes had once been the woman Alfie was convinced he would marry. 

  
_Lying in the trenches, he would close his eyes and envisage her all dressed in white, walking down the aisle towards him with that smile on her face he adored. His fingers would twitch as he imagined running them across her porcelain skin, tracing the peach freckles that dotted her shoulders. But it turned out that not only had the war fucked him over both physically and mentally, it had also stolen his heart. He arrived home, exhausted and dead inside, but as he continued to rehearse his declaration of love to his Lizzie, he felt himself come alive little by little. Only as he would soon find out, she was no longer his Lizzie now._

_  
_ _As usual, the block of flats he lived in with his mother and older sister, Shannon, were alive with activity. Women doing their washing, cooking, cleaning and calling to each other from their open doorways. There were cries of joy and well wishes from those who saw him making his way up to the third floor, and his mother came out to see what all the fuss was about. Alfie’s knees felt weak and he dropped his bags to the floor with a thud as his mother threw herself at him with a cry that he felt right in his soul._

_  
_ _“Oh, my Alfie,” she murmured, cupping his face and sobbing. “Oh my darling boy, you’re really home.”_

_  
_ _“I am,” he swallowed the thick lump in his throat, covering his mother’s work roughened hands with his own. “Don’t look too upset, eh? I’ve got a load of washin’ in my backpack for you to do just like old times.”_

_“Cheeky boy,” his mother’s watery eyes shone with love for him. “I’m so glad you’re back, Alfie.”_

_“Me too, Mum,” he smiled. “Me too.”_

_After an obscene amount of fussing from his mother and sister, Alfie was bathed and dressed in civilian clothes for the first time in four years. He looked at himself in the mirror, and although the clothes fit the same, he was a different person in them now. He had last worn them as a boy and now he was most definitely a man._

_“Where are you going?” his mother frowned as he kissed her cheek goodbye._

_“Just out,” he muttered, smiling at her reassuringly. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours, I promise.”_

_“Ok my love,” she gave a wobbly smile, and if Alfie could see inside of his mother’s head, he would realise that she was terrified to let him out of her sight again for even just a few hours._

_Camden hadn’t changed in the last four years, but Alfie was seeing it through older and wiser eyes. The streets he had run about in as a child, causing mischief and usually getting a clip round the ear from one of the neighbours, seemed different somehow. He would never again sit on the wall outside Mr Royds’ house and have the old man come out with his walking stick, threatening to tan the arse of anyone who refused to move. He would never again get away with just a smack around the head and a telling off from any policeman who caught him throwing bricks through the warehouse windows, because he was no longer a child. Not that he had been one when he left, but he had felt like one nonetheless._

_His feet moved without him even thinking about where he was going until he stood outside a small red brick house. His hand physically shook as he reached out to rap against the wooden door that had been repainted bottle green in the time he had been gone. The door opened and he couldn’t breathe when he saw her._

_“Alfie!” Elizabeth breathed in awe, looking at him as though he was a ghost._

_Alfie swallowed. How was it possible that in the last four years she had grown even more beautiful? Her figure was fuller and her hair longer. Eyes the colour of amber swirled with emotion and when he stepped forward the smell of jasmine made him close his eyes._

_“When did you get back?” her voice made him look at her again._

_“Just before lunch,” his voice was croaky. “Look at you, Lizzie… you’re so grown up.”_

_“So are you,” she murmured, reaching out to trace her finger along the scar on his cheek, eyeing it with sadness. “I missed you.”_

_“I missed you too,” he answered, unable to tear his eyes from her. Before he could stop himself, he wrapped his arms around her and breathed her in, wanting to cry because he was really holding her in his arms. He never wanted to let go of her and she clutched him so tightly that he convinced himself she felt the same way._

_“Liz?” he heard a voice call from the hallway. “Who is it?”_

_As Elizabeth slipped from his arms, Alfie eyed the tall, blonde haired man stood in the door way. It wasn’t someone he recognised but when Elizabeth stood beside him and he slipped his arm around her waist casually, Alfie suddenly felt sick._

_“This is Alfie,” Elizabeth looked up at the man with a smile. “Alfie, this is Charles Lednam… my fiancé.”_

_Alfie felt like he had been punched in the gut. He physically hurt in a way he didn’t even know he could. Fiancé?_

_“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Charles smiled warmly. “Elizabeth has been eagerly awaiting your return. We’re uh, very thankful for your service. I wasn’t allowed to fight due to medical reasons and I, well, we’re all truly indebted to your bravery.”_

_“Weren’t nothin’ brave about it,” Alfie shook his head awkwardly. “I should get goin’ anyway.”_

_“Won’t you come in?” Elizabeth’s eyes were pleading. “Mum’s not well but I know she’d love to see you. It would make her so happy.”_

_“Nah I should get home before my Mum wonders if I’ve gone back to France.”_

_Charles guffawed loudly and to Alfie the sound was like nails on a chalkboard. Lizzie looked hurt and he hated to be the person to make her feel that way, but he couldn’t be here for a moment longer. He wanted to scream and cry and punch something so hard until he didn’t hurt anymore._

_“Was nice to meet you, Charles,” he nodded gruffly. “See you around, Elizabeth yeah?”_

_Lizzie nodded, but the way Alfie used her full name made her want to cry. This wasn’t how she wanted him to find out. But people don’t always get what they want._

Across the room, their eyes met and Elizabeth glanced away quickly, turning her attention to the small girl at her side.

“Why don’t you go and find the other boys and girls in the garden?” she suggested to her daughter, Penelope, who nodded and ran off to find her friends.

Elizabeth made idle chit chat with the other women in the large living room, trying her hardest not to look at Alfie and to pretend that she couldn’t feel his gaze burning into her.

“Where’s Charlie this afternoon?” one of the women asked. “Is he not joining the celebration?”

“No,” Elizabeth shook her head, lifting her cup of tea to her mouth before adding extra sugar in the hopes it would help to combat her nerves. “He’s still…unwell.”

“Oh that’s a shame,” another lady murmured.

_It was raining, but she didn’t care. Alfie had been home for over two months now and every time she went round to visit, his mother would give her excuse after excuse as to why he wasn’t available. He hadn’t even come to her wedding. Maybe that was for the best because she didn’t know how she would have gotten through her vows knowing he was there, watching and listening._

_The boxing gym door creaked open and a gaggle of young lads came out, excitedly talking about their sparring sessions and how well their training had gone._

_“You lot not got bloody homes to go to?” Alfie’s voice boomed._

_Elizabeth waited until the boys had scattered and then she made her move, walking slowly towards him, saving the almost regal outline of his silhouette into her memory as he locked up._

_“Alf?”_

_He looked up and for a moment he couldn’t disguise the joy in his eyes at seeing her. Only for a moment though before he put that rock hard wall upon around himself once more._

_“What do you want?” he scowled._

_“To see you.”_

_“What for?” he sniffed, shoving the keys into his pocket and looking past her._

_“I miss you, Alfie,” she sighed. “You’re my friend and I miss you.”_

_“I’ve been busy,” he muttered, his newly grown beard twitching uncomfortably._

_“So busy that you couldn’t even come to my wedding?”_

_Alfie swallowed and she saw him clench his jaw angrily. Was he angry at_ her _? She didn’t understand. She was so confused. So hurt._

_“You wanna know why I didn’t come to your wedding?” he looked at her finally, his blue eyes swirling grey with emotion. “You really wanna know?”_

_“Yes,” she nodded. “I_ need _to know, Alfie.”_

_Suddenly, Alfie grabbed her hand and without a word dragged her across the street and around the corner. She pulled and tugged, but he held her so tightly that it hurt, and all the while, despite her questioning, he refused to say a word about where he was taking her. Eventually they turned off down an alleyway not far from her road and she frowned when they came to an abrupt stop halfway down._

_“See that?” he pointed to something etched into the wall._

_“A.S. and E.M always?” Lizzie frowned when she saw what Alfie was pointing to. “I don’t understand.”_

_“I did that,” he said. “The night before I left for the war. I had just said goodbye to you and you cried, do you remember?”_

_She remembered. She had cried for months afterwards as well._

_“I did that because I was adamant that when I returned I was going to make those letters a reality,” he murmured, his eyes glazed over. “Alfie Solomons and Elizabeth Margolyes always. Only you would have been Elizabeth Solomons.”_

_Lizzie’s breath caught in her throat and she choked back a sob when Alfie finally looked at her the way she had always dreamt of._

_“I didn’t come to your weddin’…” he let out a shaky breath. “…because I couldn’t bare watchin’ you become another man’s wife when all I want is for you to be mine.”_

_“I didn’t know you felt that way about me,” Lizzie sank to the ground and cried with such anguish that Alfie had to bite back tears of his own. “You never told me.”_

_“I didn’t know how,” he admitted._

_“Why didn’t you tell me, Alfie? Why did you let me do this to you?”_

_“It’s alright, Elizabeth,” he knelt down beside her. “Don’t cry. I didn’t do this to make you feel bad, I did it because you gave me no choice.”_

_“It’s not alright, Alfie,” she spat. “It’s not alright and it never is gonna be alright.”_

_“Just… look just give me some time, Elizabeth,” he spoke, hating seeing her getting in such a state and wanting nothing more than to just take this pain away from her. “Give me some time to get used to you and Charles being together and we can go back to bein’ friends like we used to.”_

_“No,” she shook her head. “I don’t want to be your friend, Alfie.”_

_“Look, I know I hurt you by not comin’ to your weddin’ and I know I’ve ruined things by tellin’ you all this but I still want you in my life, Elizabeth.”_

_“Stop calling me fucking Elizabeth!” she cried angrily. “You never call me Elizabeth.”_

_“Lizzie,” he murmured, putting his forehead against hers in a desperate attempt to make her listen to him. “I will fix this, I promise.”_

_“You can’t,” her bottom lip trembled. “You can’t fix this because I don’t know want to be your friend, Alfie.”_

_“Yeah, you’ve said that but-“_

_“-I love you.”_

_Alfie pulled back from her like he had been scalded, and he squinted at her, trying to comprehend her words._

_“Alfie,” she leaned forward and cupped his face in her soft hands. “I am in love with you; I always have been. And now I’m married to someone else; a good, sweet man who I know will look after me, but he’ll never be you.”_

_“Lizzie,” Alfie said painfully. “I love you. I fuckin’ love you and like a fool, I left it too late to tell you and now I’ve lost you for good.”_

_“I’m still here,” she promised, tears rolling down her cheeks which Alfie caught with the back of his hand as he eyed her sadly. “I’ll always be here. Just not in the way we both want.”_

_“Run away with me,” Alfie said suddenly._

_“What?”_

_“Let’s just go, me and you,” he answered fervently. “We’ll pack a bag each and just go where nobody knows us and start again.”_

_“Alfie,” Elizabeth sighed. “It’s not that simple.”_

_“Course it is,” he argued. “Let’s do it. Me and you can be together, Lizzie just how we want.”_

_“No,” she shook her head. “Alfie, I’m pregnant.”_

The party was in full swing with most of the guests out in the garden enjoying the cool spring sunshine and watching the children playing. Lizzie looked at herself in the bathroom mirror as she washed her hands, and through the tiny opening of the window she could hear Penelope giggling. She rubbed at the bags under eyes, wishing she could scrub them away along with the exhaustion and hurt they represented. If it wasn’t for Penelope, she would scrub away her entire being until she could exist in peace up in heaven or wherever it was one really went when they left earth. Stepping out of the bathroom, she wasn’t surprised to see Alfie leaning against the staircase waiting for her.

“What are you doing here?” she asked quietly.

“Needed to see you,” Alfie climbed the steps until they were level with one another.

“Here?” Elizabeth hissed. “Are you crazy?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, reaching out to cup her face tenderly. “Crazy in love.”

_Lizzie closed the door shut and sighed. Penelope was sleeping once again and she tiptoed quietly into her own bedroom to find Charles lying in bed, staring at the wall in front of him._

_“Did you not hear Penny crying?” she asked him._

_He didn’t answer; not that she expected him to. A few months after Penelope was born, Charles had suffered another one of his fits, only this time he had his daughter in his arms and Elizabeth found the pair of them on the floor upon her return from the shops. After that, Charles had changed. Prone to bouts of melancholia all of his life, even his mother proclaimed this to be the worst she had ever witnessed, and eight months later he was still stuck in the same rut. He never left the bedroom unless it was to use the lavatory. He barely ate anything Elizabeth made for him and he took hardly any interest in his daughter. Also, his fits were becoming more frequent which seemed to aid his exhaustion and sour his mood further._

_“She’s gone back to sleep now anyway,” Lizzie said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “Why don’t you come downstairs and we could listen to the radio for a while? I’ll make us something nice to eat?”_

_“No,” Charles muttered. “I’m tired.”_

_As he lay down and turned his back to her, Elizabeth took that as her signal to leave. Loneliness enveloped her and she resisted the temptation to wake up her daughter just so that she wouldn’t be forced to spend the evening alone again._

_Just like every time she was alone, her thoughts turned to Alfie and she bit her lip in an attempt not to cry. Despite her best efforts to dispel any feelings for him, it was impossible. Her heart cried for him, and no matter how much she tried to convince herself that she loved Charles equally, she was only lying to herself. At least when Charles had still wanted to hold her and kiss her, she could tell herself she was happy enough with life the way it was, but now all she could think about was what could have been._

_She needed Alfie. Needed to see him; to smell him; to just be close to him. She asked Mrs Moskowitz next door to keep an eye out for Charles and the baby, and then she disappeared out into the frigid night air. Although she had never visited Alfie’s new flat before, she knew where exactly it was and the closer she got, the harder her heart began to pound until she was stood right outside._

_“Lizzie,” Alfie frowned when he yanked open the door. “What you doin’ here?”_

_Without a word she threw her arms around him and burst into tears, burying her face in the crook of his neck and finding comfort in his musky scent. Hesitant at first, eventually Alfie couldn’t help but embrace her back and he kissed her hair as he cooed words of comfort to her sob wracked body._

_“You’re freezin’, love,” he murmured as she lifted her face to his. “Where’s your coat?”_

_“At home,” she whispered. “I just had to get out Alfie; I needed you.”_

_“Come on, let’s get you in and warmed up, eh?” he led her in through the open doorway. “Make you a nice cuppa tea and then you can tell me what on earth’s happened.”_

_“No,” she shook her head, grasping at his shirt sleeve like a frightened child. “I don’t want a cup of tea, I just want you to hold me, Alfie.”_

_And he did. He sat down on her couch and allowed her to lean into him while she told him everything. Her failing marriage; her struggles with motherhood; her loneliness; she let it all out while he just listened and held her hand comfortingly._

_It was strange really because Alfie had somehow been convinced that she was happy, and when he had seen her out pushing the baby in the pram, she had looked so radiant that he wondered how he hadn’t seen the empty facade until now. He wondered how he had never found it strange that she was always out alone and never with her husband, but then in the same breath he knew that he had never cared because the sight of them together was too much for him to bear anyway. It should have overjoyed him to know that things in her marriage were terrible but it didn’t. It made him sad to know that day after day for the rest of her life, she would have to suffer in misery._

_“I’m sorry for just coming here and putting this all on you,” she sighed, looking down at their intertwined hands and rubbing her thumb across his knuckles._

_“Don’t ever be sorry for comin’ to me,” Alfie murmured, kissing her forehead. “When I said I loved you, I meant it. I’ll always be here for you, won’t I?”_

_“And that’s why I shouldn’t have come,” she said sadly. “Because all I’m doing is torturing us both further, aren’t I? Afterwards, I’m going to go home to my husband and my baby while you’ll be here alone. I wish I wasn’t so selfish.”_

_“You aint selfish, Lizzie,” Alfie frowned._

_“You’re wrong, Alf,” she whispered. “My husband is poorly and I don’t know how to help him, and sometimes I don’t even want to. I want to scream and shout at him and tell him to pull himself together and look after us. And in the same breath, I want him to stay the way he is forever so I don’t have to pretend that I love him like I love you. He deserves better than me… and so do you.”_

_“Love,” Alfie sighed, cupping her face and peering into her eyes. “Come on now.”_

_“I can’t,” she sobbed again. “I’m so lost, Alfie, and being with you is the only thing that makes me feel like me again.”_

_“Then stay.”_

_“I can’t.”_

_“Just for an hour, yeah?” he persuaded._

_There was no way she could deny him and they both knew it. Their eyes met, speaking the things that they couldn’t voice out loud, and when Alfie’s lips brushed against Lizzie’s she welcomed their softness. Closing her eyes, she allowed Alfie to tilt her head backwards and deepen the kiss and she moved her hands to wind around his neck. When Alfie picked her up, she wrapped her legs around his waist, feeling his hardness against her centre, and didn’t protest when he carried her into the bedroom and lay her on his bed._

_Both divulged of their clothes, Alfie’s hands and mouth worshipped every inch of her body. His fingers caressed the stretch marks on her stomach and her breasts followed by his mouth, which kissed its way down her body until he reached her core. Holding her bucking hips down with his large hands, his mouth devoured her hungrily, bringing her to release over and over again. When their bodies were joined, they savoured the moment, resting their foreheads together momentarily, growing accustomed to this new closeness. They moved together as Alfie murmured how much he loved her and how beautiful she was, but Lizzie couldn’t speak. She could think about nothing other than how making love with Alfie was nothing like with Charles. With Alfie it was more than just a physical act, it was the sharing of their souls and when she reached her peak once more she was reduced to tears. Afterwards, once Alfie had tenderly wiped away his own release from her abdomen with a towel she stared up at the ceiling and wondered how her life had come to this._

_She loved Alfie with all of her heart but what they had done was wrong, no matter how right it felt at the time. She was a married woman and she had deceived and dishonoured her husband in the worst possible way. Disgusted at herself, she began to dress hurriedly, fleeing as quickly as she could while Alfie chased after her in hurt and confusion._

_“Let me go, Alfie,” she spat as he reached for her arm before she could step through the front door._

_“Lizzie, you can’t just leave.”_

_“I have to!” she cried. “This was wrong, Alfie. This was all wrong and it can’t happen again. I don’t want it to happen again.”_

_“You can lie to yourself all you want, Lizzie, but I know you’ll be back,” he shouted angrily as she ran down the stairs, holding her shoes in her hand in her haste to leave._

_Slamming the door shut, Alfie punched it until it cracked while he roared like a pained animal. She would be back. He needed her to be back._

_The house was quiet when Elizabeth returned. Mrs Moskowitz was sat in the living room, her knitting needles clacking away as she hummed softly to herself._

_“The baby woke up once but she went right back off after a bit of milk,” Mrs Moskowitz groaned as she stood up. “She’s a beautiful little thing; same eyes as you. She’ll be a heartbreaker when she’s older.”_

_Lizzie forced a smile to her face as the elderly woman continued to chatter pleasantly while she made her way to the front door, and the second she left Lizzie ran to the kitchen sink and vomited. Sipping down a glass of water, she waited for her stomach to settle somewhat before trudging upstairs to the bathroom where she stripped and began to scrub vigorously at her body with boiling hot water. Later, she would hate herself for wiping away the remnants of Alfie on her skin, but in that moment all she wanted was to rid herself of the guilt she felt._

_Climbing into bed with Charles after checking briefly on Penelope, she was relieved to find him already asleep. Lying down, she eyed him with shame and bit back a sob. He wasn’t a bad man; he was broken and sad and he needed his wife to help him; to love him._

_What had she done?_

“Went to Margate yesterday,” Alfie spoke. “Penny would love it there, right by the sea where she could run and play away from this horrible London smog.”

“Why do this, Alfie?” Lizzie sighed. “Why long for things that can never happen?”

“I thought havin’ you would never happen, but look where we are now,” he murmured, his eyes twinkling with adoration for her.

“Yes,” she pursed her lips. “Sneaking around for almost two years, catching moments when we can and none of it ever enough.”

“I wouldn’t change it for the world,” he assured her.

“Mummy!”

They stepped away from one another at the sound of Penelope running through the living room in search of her mother.

“Coming sweetheart,” she called back, squeezing past Alfie to get down the stairs. “Just wait there, I’m coming down now!”

“Margate’s just a dream, Lizzie. I know it’ll never happen but a man can dream,” Alfie reached for her hand briefly.

“Don’t,” she muttered, squeezing it before letting go. “It only hurts when you wake up again.”

_“I have to go.”_

_Alfie sighed and his arm around Lizzie tightened significantly as he nuzzled his face against her neck. Their time together always went too quickly for both of their liking, but what could they do?_

_“I wish you didn’t have to leave,” Alfie muttered._

_Lizzie turned around and traced her finger down his nose and to his lips, where he pretended to nip at her playfully, but the pain in his eyes was evident. There were so many things she wanted to say but she couldn’t because just like every time she was preparing to go back to her real life, feelings of guilt consumed her. Guilt at leaving Alfie and guilt at returning home to her husband after she had been with another man. Only he wasn’t just any man. He was the love of her life. They had been doing this for almost a year; sneaking around like two lovesick teenagers. Lizzie knew it was wrong and after the first time when she had gone to Alfie’s flat, she tried to resist the temptation of him again and again, but it was no use. Charles’ condition continued to worsen until he no longer even left the bedroom to use the toilet. Instead he insisted on using a chamber pot, and the only way Lizzie could get him to clean himself was to wash him herself as he lay in bed. Occasionally she thought she would see the light returning to his green eyes but as soon as it came, it went. She sometimes wondered that if he found out about her and Alfie would he even care? He didn’t seem to care about anything anymore; not even Penny. At almost two now she was walking and talking and full of character. She was funny and kind but not even her toothy grin and incessant babbling was enough to raise so much as a smile from her father._

_Sitting up, Lizzie clutched the bed sheet to her naked body and rubbed a hand wearily over her face. Her shoulders slumped with a sigh and when Alfie sat up and wrapped his arms around her, she leaned into him and closed her eyes._

_“I hate this,” she whispered, as a single tear dripped down her cheek._

_“I know love,” Alfie kissed her shoulder. “Now come on, don’t cry. I want your smilin’ face to be the last thing I remember until I see you again, yeah?”_

_Sniffing and letting out a deep breath, she turned her head to him and smiled. Their mouths touched gently, moving together and saying the goodbye that they had both agreed to never say out loud._

The party had come to an end. The children had consumed obscene amounts of sugar and were now coming down from their artificially induced highs, leaving lots of tears and tantrums for their parents to deal with. Penelope was currently crying as Lizzie helped her to put on her coat, her little foot was stamping in temper as she protested having the buttons on her coat done up.

“Penelope Ledman, if you don’t stop crying this instant, you won’t go to Ethel’s party next week,” Elizabeth snapped.

“That’s not fair,” Penelope whined, her face crumbling.

“Life’s not fair sometimes,” Lizzie sighed. “Sweetheart, I don’t want to shout at you but it’s getting cold outside now and you need your coat on.”

“Your Mum’s right,” Alfie appeared behind them. “See, I’ve got my coat on and me hat. Once the sun starts to go down, it gets proper cold don’t it.”

“But I don’t like my coat,” she frowned at Alfie. “It’s too itchy.”

“Yeah but it’s a magic coat,” Alfie’s eyes twinkled. “And I bet you anythin’ that if you look in your pocket now there’s money in it.”

“Money?” Penelope’s eyes, the same shade as her mother’s, were wide. “How do you know?”

“Ah, that would be tellin’,” Alfie winked. “Now finish doin’ up them buttons like a good girl and then check the pocket, yeah?”

Batting her mother’s hands away, Penelope stuck out her tongue in concentration as she started to do up the buttons herself. Standing up, Lizzie looked at Alfie, trying not to smile and failing.

“Magic money coat, hmm?” she narrowed her eyes playfully. “You spoil her, Alfie.”

“That’s only cos I remember a time when you panicked about me even bein’ me near her,” he muttered, his lips twitching.

“You know why I got upset that day,” she sighed. “And I still do.”

_“Mummy, look!”_

_Lizzie looked up and smiled as Penelope launched herself into a forward roll and then stood up with proud smile. It was a beautiful day and as such, they were spending it together in the park. Lizzie had tried to persuade Charles to come out and join them for some fresh air, and given that he had even spent the morning sat in the living room and not in bed, she had been hopeful. But of course her hope was quickly dashed when he had screamed at Penny off for accidentally spilling the milk jug and then he stormed upstairs to bed._

_“Well done, poppet,” Lizzie clapped. “You’re getting good at that now.”_

_“Can you do forward rolls, Mummy?” Penelope asked, sitting back down on the checkered blanket and popping a cheese cube into her mouth._

_“I used to be able to,” Lizzie nodded. “I used to do all sorts when I was young; handstands, cartwheels, rolls… Bubbe always used to tell me off for showing my knickers.”_

_“That’s funny,” Penelope giggled, clapping a hand over her mouth and flinging herself onto her back._

_“Is it now,” Lizzie smirked, leaning over her daughter and tickling her mercilessly; not even relenting when she squealed for mercy._

_“What’s goin’ on here then?” a dark shadow fell over them and Lizzie’s body tensed when she heard Alfie speak._

_“Mummy’s trying to tickle me to death,” Penelope explained._

_“That’s a bit mean, aint it?” Alfie frowned. “Shall I set Cyril on her?”_

_Penelope cooed happily when the huge dog began to lick at her face affectionately and she wrapped her arms around his neck to ensure he could not escape. Lizzie sat up and watched with a smile, trying to pretend that she wasn’t affected by Alfie’s closeness and that she didn’t crave his lips against her own right in that moment._

_“What are you doing here?” she asked, sitting back properly and straightening her skirt._

_“I may or may not have acquired myself a factory not too far from here, so I thought I’d give Cyril a run in the park on our way back from viewing the new property,” he answered, his eyes softening as he smiled at her. While that explanation was mostly true, the bit about the walk was only because he had been paying one of the unemployed lads from the boxing club to keep his eye on Lizzie, and to report her every move to Alfie. Therefore, he knew she was here with Penelope and he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to be with her for even a few minutes._

_“I see,” Lizzie smiled back. “Do you want something to eat? We’ve got plenty left.”_

_“Don’t mind if I do,” Alfie groaned as he sat down beside her. He felt Lizzie’s grin and he turned to point a finger at her. “Say one word about me bein’ old and you’ll be in for it.”_

_The second Cyril saw Alfie lift a salmon sandwich to his mouth, he quickly turned his attention to his master and his tail flicked Penelope in the face, making her laugh again._

_“Bugger off, you greedy git,” Alfie tutted, putting his hand into his pocket and pulling out a small ball. He launched it a good distance away and Cyril went bounding after it. When he returned a few moments later and dropped it at Penelope’s feet, she asked if she could throw the ball next and when Alfie nodded she grinned._

_“She looks so happy,” Lizzie murmured, taking a sip from her glass bottle of lemonade once she had packed up the rest of the finished picnic into her wicker basket to save time later._

_“Why wouldn’t she be?” Alfie looked at the little girl and then back at Lizzie. “She’s got you for a mum so she couldn’t possibly be anythin’ else, could she?”_

_“Creep,” Lizzie snorted, before letting out a sort of sad sigh. “I just mean that it’s nice to see her running about without a care in the world. When we’re at home she has to be quiet because Charles is usually asleep, and so often when she wants to play, I’m either cleaning the house or trying to get work done. It’s hard for her because I know when she sees me ironing and sewing she doesn’t understand that’s how I make a living and that’s how we eat, and I suppose I just feel like I’m letting her down sometimes.”_

_“Love, I’ve told you I’ll sort you out for money, eh?” Alfie said. “You don’t need to be doin’ all that sewin’ and shit because I’ll give you whatever you need every week, you know I will.”_

_“I know you would, Alf, and it’s not that I don’t appreciate it but don’t you see that if I took your money then I would essentially be the woman who sleeps with you behind her husband’s back just to pay the bills?”_

_“It aint like that,” Alfie scowled, upset that she would even suggest such a thing. “You’re the woman I love and I would do anythin’ to make your life better in any way I can.”_

_“I’m sorry,” she muttered. “I just… why is everything so hard, Alfie? Why couldn’t things have just been easy for us?”_

_“I don’t know,” he sighed, taking her hand discreetly._

_“Mummy, can we have a dog?” Penelope came running over and Lizzie quickly yanked her hand from Alfie’s._

_“Not really, darling,” Lizzie answered. “They’re a lot of hard work and we don’t have the space for one.”_

_“What about even a little one?”_

_“No love,” Lizzie shook her head. “Now why don’t you continue playing with Cyril because we’ll need to get home soon and see Daddy.”_

_“I don’t want to go home,” Penelope pouted, and all Alfie could see was her mother in her. “Daddy’s mean and I don’t like him.”_

_“Penny,” Lizzie scolded. “That’s not a nice thing to say.”_

_“It’s true. Daddy never plays with me and he shouted at me today.”_

_“Daddy’s not well,” Lizzie tried to explain._

_“Well I hate him,” Penelope stomped her foot._

_“Miss Penelope that’s not a very ladylike attitude, is it?” Alfie spoke quietly. “Your Daddy loves you, don’t he? And he can’t help bein’ poorly.”_

_“Was your Daddy mean when you were little?” the girl asked the bear of a man beside her._

_“Erm, my Dad weren’t never really around,” Alfie answered uncomfortably. “He left when I was quite little and I aint never seen him since.”_

_“You’re lucky.”_

_“You don’t mean that,” Alfie spoke before Lizzie could. “I would have sooner had my Dad around when I was growin’ up then not. Even if your Dad shouts sometimes, he don’t mean to be horrible. Sometimes when grown ups are angry or frustrated they shout, just like you little ‘uns have tantrums when you get upset about stuff, yeah? You know what I’d do if I were you? When you go home later, go and give your Daddy a great big cuddle so he knows you forgive him. Even if he don’t do anythin’, he’ll know in his heart that you still love him.”_

_Lizzie wanted to cry as she watched Penelope hanging onto every word Alfie spoke to her. She had never seen him with young children since they had grown up and it brought a lump to her throat. For a man so gruff and grumpy at times, he truly had a softness with Penelope that seemed so natural it hurt to watch. More than that, she knew how he felt about Charles yet he was still trying to make sure Penelope knew how much her father loved her._

_“Come on, Penny, we need to go,” she stood up suddenly, ignoring the questioning look on Alfie’s face. “Hurry up, please.”_

_“But Mummy, I want to play some more,” Penelope whined._

_“I don’t care,” Lizzie snapped. “We’re going home and if you complain about it, I’ll send you straight to your room when we get in.”_

_Lizzie knew she was being unreasonable but she couldn’t think straight. Her ears were swooshing and her chest pounding as thoughts raced through her brain. An image of Alfie holding a baby that looked just like Penny, beaming with pride at his newborn child. The memory of Charles when he had held Penny after her birth. He had worn the same look as the Alfie in her imaginings and it was all too much to bear. It was all too much to know that she spent all of her time feeling guilty for cheating on her husband, but never before had she thought about she was cheating Alfie out of having a real family of his own. And what hurt the most was that she wished more than anything she could have a real family with him, but it could never be._

“I had such a fun time at the party, Mummy,” Penelope said as they walked the two blocks home.

“I’m glad, sweetheart,” Lizzie smiled.

“Can we stop at the sweetie shop and spend the money from my magic pocket?”

“I think you’ve had enough sweeties for one day,” Lizzie chuckled. “But if you go to sleep like a good girl tonight, then I’ll take you into town tomorrow and we can visit the toy shop. Mummy might even add some more pennies to your own ones so you can buy something wonderful.”

“Oh yes please,” Penelope exclaimed.

“It’s Daddy’s birthday next week as well so perhaps we could find him a gift too?” Lizzie suggested.

Penelope nodded, but Lizzie knew that her mind was focused solely on what toy she could buy tomorrow and nothing else. The little girl babbled on about dolls and tea sets all the way home, and by the time they reached the front door, Lizzie was ready to scream. Pushing open the door, she didn’t know why but she was hit with a feeling of dread. Something wasn’t right. She didn’t what and she didn’t know how she knew but it wasn’t. Penelope ran straight for the living room and her toys, and when Lizzie followed close behind she couldn’t shake the unsettling feeling that overwhelmed her. Dropping her handbag on the table, she frowned when she saw an envelope with her name on. There was no postage stamp and if she wasn’t mistaken, the writing looked to be very much like Charles’. Tearing the envelope open, she read the words over and over again willing them to make sense. Glancing over at Penelope in the corner, she put a trembling hand to her mouth and turned towards the hallway.

_It was raining outside, the rhythmic drip drops on the window lulling Alfie and Lizzie even further into a relaxed state. Draped across Alfie’s chest, Lizzie hummed contentedly as his hand moved lazily up and down her back._

_“I’m going to fall asleep if you keep doing that.”_

_“I promise to wake you up when it’s time for you to go,” Alfie promised._

_He smiled to himself when he heard the gentle sound of her snoring just a few minutes later. Turning to lay on his side, Alfie allowed himself to look at her without interruption. With every month that passed, she only grew more beautiful to him and he didn’t think the day would come where he would ever believe otherwise. He kissed her nose gently, smirking when she scrunched it up and batted his hand away in annoyance, and he watched the way her lips pouted slightly as she slept. He could watch her for hours._

_Sitting up carefully a short while later, Alfie reached into his bedside drawer and pulled out a box that contained a small silver band with a simple circular shaped topaz. Holding the ring in between his fingers, he thought back to the day he had bought it, a few weeks before he left for France. It had been all his meagre savings could afford but it was beautiful nonetheless. Taking Lizzie’s hand, he slipped the ring on her finger to rest on top of the wedding and engagement bands she already wore. Bending down, he kissed the ring and Lizzie stirred groggily. Her eyes fluttered open and when she looked down at her hand, she sat up quickly._

_“Alfie,” she breathed._

_“I know you can’t keep it on,” he said. “But I just wanted to see how it looked on you.”_

_“It’s beautiful,” she was unable to tear her gaze away from it. “When did you…?”_

_“Before France,” he smiled sheepishly and Lizzie looked at him sadly, her eyes filling with tears. “Don’t cry love.”_

_“I can’t help it,” she sobbed. “I wish I didn’t have to give this back. I wish I could wear it and everyone would know I was yours.”_

_“I wish that more than anythin’ too,” Alfie cupped her face, brushing his thumbs against her cheekbones. “But I know you’re mine and I’m yours. Always.”_

_…………………… …………………… …………………… …………………… ……………………_

Six years later

The Solomons household was a noisy one but it was also one filled to the brim with love. Lizzie watched Penelope spin around in circles while her twin sisters hung one off each of her arms, squealing in unbridled delight.

“Are you sure you don’t want to take Penny with you?”

Lizzie turned and smiled at Alfie affectionately. His hair was sticking up all over the place and she knew he had been running his hands through it in annoyance as he did some paperwork in his office. With a chortle she flattened it back down and reached for her handbag on the table.

“No,” she shook her head. “It only upsets her. It’s better if I go alone.”

“Alright then,” Alfie brushed his lips against hers, his hand reaching beneath her crimson coat to touch the rounding expanse of her newly pregnant stomach. “I’ll get the rascals fed and bathed while you’re gone.”

“Have I told you today how much I love you?” Lizzie beamed.

“Once or twice,” Alfie grinned. “But I wouldn’t mind hearin’ it again.”

“Well in that case, I love you Alfie Solomons.”

“I love you too,” Alfie answered, pecking her lips again before letting her go.

Lizzie always enjoyed this type of spring evening. The sky held onto the last of the daylight for as long as possible and there was a chill in the air that was refreshing rather than cold. As it always did at this time of year, Lizzie’s mind wandered back into the past while her feet led her to the place that helped to give those memories a sort of peace.

“Hello Charles,” she murmured when she finally reached her destination.

Kneeling down in front of the marble gravestone with gold leafed lettering, she emptied the stone vase of its wilting red roses and replaced them with the yellow daffodils in her hand. Taking out a handkerchief, she began to wipe away the rain streaks on the gravestone until it looked clean and new once more.

“I decided not to bring Penny with me because it’s too much for her,” Lizzie said as her finger traced the letters that spoke of Charles’ life which had been cut short by his own hand at the age of only thirty one. “She asks me about you sometimes; I think she is worried she will forget you, but I will never let that happen. I will never let her forget the man who helped to give her life; the man who gave me the most precious gift I could have ever wanted. But we both know that’s not the only thing you gave to me, is it? I was angry at you when I came home that day and I found your letter. I was angry that you would leave us; leave Penny without a father, but more than anything I was angry at myself because I should have been there for you. I should have been the wife you deserved, instead of one whose heart always belonged to another. For the rest of my life, I will regret that I didn’t have the chance to tell you how sorry I was for everything. And for the rest of my life, I will wish that I could have stopped you doing what you did. But one thing I can say to you now is that I will always love you Charles; I know not in the way you truly deserved but I love you nonetheless.”

Wiping away the tears that fell, Elizabeth pressed her lips against the cold marble and let out a shaky breath. She had everything she had ever wanted with Alfie, but no matter how happy she was, she would always remember how it came at a price. The price of a man’s life. Her life with Alfie would always have a bittersweet taste to it no matter how many years passed. Standing up, she looked at the grave one more time before she left, and when a soft white feather floated down towards her she swallowed the lump in her throat.

“Thank you Charles. For everything.”


End file.
